King Oath

This one’s a little on the dark side, but don’t worry; once I have gotten the dark stuff out of the road, then I will proceed pretty briskly toward the light. 

And there is always a bright side; pretending there isn’t is not only crap- it is no way to keep friends. 

Who wants to hear about the dark bits all the time?

So…I have been blindsided by some bleeding from places one doesn’t ordinarily bleed.  It can tend to freak you out, so I went to see a surgeon, and they put me on the urgent list. 

So what; who cares.  Illness is dull. 

The main point of the story is that on my way into the surgery, I stopped and took another one of those photos in front of the oath to women. As I had the pic taken…a couple of ladies stopped to wait for me to do it.  Then, when I had finished, they looked at me as though I were mad.  They were half right. 

I’m half mad. 

The mad bit thinks things like this;

It’s almost as if…bleeding from the back passage…it’s like a kind of delayed reaction to being raped as a youngster. 

I mean, I reckon I’ve been bleeding psychologically for ages over it…but it’s like…the childhood trauma finally caught up with me mentally AND physically, almost forcing me to finally deal with it properly, instead of trimming around the edges. 

Does that make sense?

So…the mad bit in my head then thinks, well, at least I understand something about the way a woman feels when she has been raped & traumatised. 

I remember seeing a doco with this little Timorese lad- he can’t have been ten yet, about the same age as me when I was introduced to the ways of the lord- recounting having been raped by the militia when they came by his little village.  

He said, ‘they used me like a woman’.

I cried a little bit, I admit. 

I can deny it all I like…we all can, we victims, but at some point…I think you have to deal with it.  Properly.  Get in there, and lance that boil. 

I need to be able to say once & for all, ‘they used me like a woman’, deal with it, finish the book, finish the film, & move on.  Do my charity stuff for abused kids, take up needlepoint, juggle cats or watch bullfights on acid- whatever. 

Anything but dwelling on it.  That’s what caused the body to rebel.  & that’s what all this is leading up to.

We are here to heal, fellow humans…heal, grow, love…

Learn…

I think I have learned.  Why I am the way I am, why I have lived- or not lived- the way I have, I have seen things almost unimaginable in the minds of most people. 

I have seen great horror- but also undeniable joy.

The highs and the lows. 

You might have done the same yourself.  You might know something about it.  Kinship with other humans, sharing stories, healing, growing, etc…

That’s what it’s all about.   

I guess that is why we are here…to learn?

& keep learning…

Perhaps facing my own mortality in this way will help me live better.  So I can KEEP healing, growing, loving, learning…  

Until EVERYTHING finally catches up with me, and I return to the dust; from whence I came…

And that’s just fine by me.

Peace and respect.