Then again...doing anything for me is better than doing nothing. If I was simply doing harm, then I would lock myself up. But...things seem to be progressing quite well, and I'm thinking more about others, the consequences of my thought words and deeds, etc..
Never hurts to remember, 'thoughts are things'.
So if thoughts are 'things'...then words and actions are even BIGGER things!
Like my mate Mark suggested, I guess I am 'trying to write my way out of it', and he is dead right. A little courage, a little balls never goes astray.
I'm not sorry for what I wrote in the blog yesterday, I think there are some interesting things in it...it's not TOTALLY mad (you should have seen the UNCUT version! now that WAS mad!)
I think there is still a hell of a lot of residual anger inside me, that is burning itself off. I hope it's not like the North Sea gas reserves...that will never burn off!
I am still angry at the pedaphiles, at god, at...you name it, angry at anyone and anything, except where the real blame lies...with me.
There is no god, and being raped and tortured happened a long time ago, so keeping it alive as if it is still happening now...I know it's a symptom of ptsd, but it is unnecessary.
my job is to stop my thoughts being things...or at least, such powerful things!
If I want powerful thoughts...then they need to be the right thoughts!
Which is what this is all about...this detailed reportage on myself.
training the brain to do better.
Healthier.
OK...so I think it is handy to let some things go, then come back when cooler heads are prevailing, and take a closer look at what is going on, why, and what can be done about it.
Anger can tend to be directed in the wrong place. It seems a little bit churlish, and not a bit cowardly to have a go at people who are trying to do something about the problem of mental illness, the causes, (child abuse, domestic violence, etc); not only that...it's wasted energy.
Someone like me can tend to find their attempts to try to contribute something constructive are stymied, & they go after easy targets.
it's like...when my dad was in the booby hatch, be brought in a pair of commando knives, and threatened to stab one of the nurses. This is CLASSIC misdirection of anger.
He was impotent. He wanted to be a writer, & even though he blamed it on us, took it out on us...it was HIM. He simply wasn't good enough.
The world is FULL of limp dicks who not only cannot quite cut it...but take their own piss poor performance out on the innocent.
Usually people trying to help.
THIS is my lesson from yesterday.
DON'T DO THIS, JOHN. It's very unmanly, and very cowardly.
Be a better boy.
This might be obvious to adults, but remember, you are dealing with a child here...in an adult's body. children have tantrums, and let it all go, without thinking, regardless.
An adult thinks of consequences.
Acts carefully, judiciously.
that's the way to do it.
So...even though I stand by the blog...(I wrote it, not some alter ego...if I am to bring together the disparate elements of my peronality/soul, de fragment the files in my brain, then I must learn to bring my polar opposite into line, and integrate them into the one being.
Unification theory. Some might call it 'taking responsibility'.
remember that?
To do that...I observe my behaviour, and I conclude...
I was a little harsh with the doco in question.
I still think the title is wrong, but at least they are trying to understand. & that counts.
Here is a quote from the producers, pertaining to the title of the series;
"The title, Man Up, doesn't mean toughen up, it means open up, speak up, and
it's an attempt to show men that it's OK to show a side of them that's not the
stoic, tough-as-nails rock-solid macho guy.
Instead, it aims to encourage men to understand that sharing
burdens, talking about problems and revealing vulnerabilities is not a sign of
weakness."
So, that's fair enough.
I think if they had first hand experience of what it is like, they would understand how these words jar.
HOWEVER...for my part, I refer back to the schoolyard thing, about 'sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me'...
If I can't get over a perceived misnomer, then I can't get over anything.
& I guess that is what it is about.
Observing your behaviour, being aware of conflicts not just going out there, sending words in the ether, firing bitterness at all and sundry...
When their hearts are in the right place, & I want to acknowledge that.
People who struggle with mental illness often report (& I'm sure you've seen it) being HYPER CRITICAL. I know, I see it in myself. For me, it comes from childhood, having hyper critical parents, they criticize you for every little thing, no matter how insignificant, and as you 'mature', you take over the reigns, and tend to do it yourself.
You hammer yourself into a pulp, criticising everything you do, to the point where you are PARALYSED. None of it is good enough, so why do anything???
You end up achieving nothing, your standards are so high.
Indeed, to make matters worse, you end up putting shit on others, who fail to live up to your high standards.
It's a mess, I tell you.
It's bogus, and it is bad poison.
Drive yourself nuts and dive into the abyss, by all means; but LEAVE OTHERS ALONE.
Life is hard enough without being pestered and cajoled by a faulty unit.
never good enough...
we need to be perfect...but nothing is perfect.
perfection is seeing that nothing is perfect...
& just doing your best.
I wonder if we don't all, to some degree or other, carry this inside us. Not just the abused.
A need to be perfect.
For some...it is MUCH more profound and crippling.
All I can say is...try to go easy on yourself.
Notice when you are doing well, and pat yourself on the back.
When you do badly...notice that too.
But don't ride yourself into the ground...
be firm, but fair.
& do better tomorrow.
That's the lesson from yesterday.
Postcard to a better tomorrow...
<3
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