Thank you all!
Most of you know how much I love 'Apocalypse Now', & it figures VERY heavily in my book.
It has also inspired the documentary as well.
The title of this blog...it's kind of a twist on the Doors song, that pompous bullshit about how Apocalyptic everything is.
I mean, I love the song, love the way it is used in the film, but as much as it is- not a nice place to visit- but a very satisfying journey, a peek into the heart of darkness...
you are NOT meant to live there!
As I mention in the book, Pocca was a CAUTIONARY tale; if you got the idea from it, or from the life of Jim Morrison that this kind of place- this 'road to excess' was a decent joint to hang out in...
then you got the wrong end of the stick.
This is a healing journey...not a self indulgent spa bath in the soup of blurred masculinity.
Ronnit & I were talking about this not long ago; the upshot of it was that this stuff is dangerous; people can get the wrong idea from Jim Morrison's life, that it is somehow heroic to get fucked up on drugs and alcohol, then justify it by claiming to be a shaman, 'the road to excess' leading to the 'palace of wisdom' and all that...it's a load of shit.
It gets a lot of very naive people in VERY hot water.
Remember in Manhattan, the Diane Keaton character says,
'Don't you guys see that it is the dignifying of one's own psychological and sexual hang-ups by attaching them to these grandiose philosophical issues?'
Perfect. It's a giant lump of bullshit. It's a bad bad pony, & I won't bet on it.
Robert
Bly said, ‘we can understand through Kurtz’s experience in Heart of Darkness
that the western longing for the primitive is dangerous to the psyche. The ego becomes unable to hold its own among
the primitive impulses and dissolves in mass movements, vanishes like sugar in
water’.
Before you melt!!
I posted this pic of me in hospital because it really felt like the first real step out of the bullshit soup. It is not something to be lamented, but CELEBRATED.
Anyone who has been keeping up with my writing has some idea of where I am at.
Frankly...I would be pretty wrapped if this was everything I blogged about coming to a head.
I have a pretty good feeling...I think it is.
I am equal parts excited, equal parts nervous.
All surgery risky, but life is a risk. All the different physical ailments...it's like they are all coming together to effect some sort of resolution.
Anyway...no one really cares about illness and hospitals.
The most exciting thing of all is...
This could well be the denouement I have been waiting for.
Working on the book and the film, I kept asking myself, 'so, how is this going to end??'
Most writers have the common sense to have an ending worked out, but like I said, this work is different because it is basically autobiographical.
So...it was a question of waiting to see what happened.
& I don't mean sitting around on my fat arsehole waiting for something to rescue me...like waiting for god or something- which would be waiting a long time, as he doesn't exist...
But working steadily, making sure all my writing is in order, and keeping an eye on a satisfactory ending for the documentary. Well...in line with this...
Everything health wise has come to a head; which is actually a GOOD thing.
The nurse said to me, when I took the picture, 'you putting this on FB like everyone else?' & it made me laugh...& I told her the truth...I am documenting my HEALING journey, NOT my death.
Who the hell cares about seeing someone drop off the twig on film?
That IS self indulgent bullshit, & not for me.
Now, my good friend Mark Savage has been working like a trooper on the film dealing with all this.
He knows I have been trying to bring things to a conclusion...but some things are not written.
It's a mixture...equal parts your own work and effort, and chance. Fate. Karma.
I'm hoping this will all go in the documentary- my long awaited ending. Sure, a part of me says, if I'm gonna' check out- then I want the camera on the moments leading up to it- and I would like it to be healthy, mature, and positive. Being thankful, rather than maudline.
But...actually...I have a really good feeling it will be the exact opposite.
I'll know more after the surgery...but the point was...what was my point? Sorry...still a bit groggy. Oh yeah...let's face it, no one is really interested in illness and hospitals...even people who work in that field i'm sure don't get overly orgasmic about it.
The thing was...what is interesting is extra sensory stuff. deep down, we all love that shit.
& I SAW this happening. Exactly. now...did i wish it on myself? or was it simple prescience? I reckon the latter, because i am committed to the healing journey. If I was simply ready to die...then that would be a different thing. I realised...this is part of the healing process, and I needed to go through this, in order to bring things to a head. Unification.
Like in physics, ANTI entropy, where you bring all the disparate elements all together into one unified theory, so you can make sense of it all.
I think this is finally it; after a lifetime being all over the place like a madman's shit...finally, through my diligent writing and filming and my commitment to healing, growing and evolving, things are beginning to...
Make sense.
I made a commitment to change- & I think my mind, and my body have all finally agreed to come to the party too!
Thanks for taking an interest...but I wouldn't even bother posting this pic unless it was a positive thing, rather than a negative.
It's all good, is the saying, & I always hated it.
But now...
it IS all good.
And that includes the bad...!!!
<3
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